Thursday, September 9, 2010

Just in case the writers for Southpark were running short of ruthless dictators, tyrannical maniacs or crazy pop stars to satirize, have no fear -- Terry Jones is here. Meet the nation's newest terribly unfunny joke: Jones is prepared, ready and all too willing to BURN THE KORAN on September 11, 2010 UNLESS he receives A CALL FROM THE PRESIDENT before then. Not even the law can stop this religious fanatic. His request for a burn permit from the city Fire Department was DENIED, the reason being "that [the] open burning of books is not allowed in the city due to fire hazard." Apparently people in the city of Gainesville prefer to read their books as opposed to using them to generate extra heat in a climate where the average temperature in September is a balmy 89 degrees.  The entire nation is anxiously keeping an eye on Jones with everyone from Sarah Palin to the FBI Facebooking and tweeting their disgust and concern. Still, Jones is standing strong, borrowing a page from Willow Smith's Book of Lyrics and, "whip[ping] my hair back and forth…don’t let my haters take me off my grind." Smith's single leaked to the Internet just in time--because the world needs another balding crazy Preacher man AND a nine year old diva to liven things up a little, especially in the wake of the announcement from Arthur Sulzberger Jr., that "We will stop printing the New York Times sometime in the future, date TBD." A world without the Times looks bleak. Perhaps we ought to begin a new campaign in education: GIVE READING A CHANCE, subtitled Words HURT When You Burn Them and Suffer Manic Depression from Neglect. Read the Paper, Help a Word. And Stop Burning Books, Terry Jones. Go Green: We Don't Need Your Koran-burning Carbon Dioxide Fumes. 

Wenesday March 31

In a world that is constantly changing it can be tough to keep up. Fortunately for the sake of entertainment, Hollywood A, B and now C-listers are finding new ways to match the pace. In a move that rivals Prince for eccentricity and Puff Daddy for all-around ridiculousness, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have decided the burden of being themselves is just too much to bear and the only way to fix it is to change their public identities. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Running Bear and White Wolf, Hollywood's newest Native Americans. It's only a matter of time before one of them gets wise to the benefits of their new heritage and opens a casino. Ok, maybe a long, long time.

Tragedy Today

miley is quitting pop music. the tears just won't stop. or is it the cheers? --ethan

http://www.celebuzz.com/miley-cyrus-wants-edge-up-s161591/

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Today the Democrats shared the magic formula they've been working on for years, which would allow the government to spend exorbitant amounts of money while the balance of the federal deficit adjusts itself relatively. The proposed health care plan that initiated the flirtation with black magic is beautifully mystical: in the next decade the government will spend $848 billion to ensure most Americans receive health insurance, and the government will pay for this health care AND reduce the deficit by $130 billion by...raising taxes! Even China isn't this funny. On the other hand, Republicans are suspicious of the magical powers of the bill and are ready to get back to their roots. “It’s going to be a holy war,” said Senator Orrin G. Hatch, Republican of Utah.

Wednesday, November 18th, 2000

Twenty-Eight North Koreans, six Spaniards and their Spanish fishing boat were released by Somali pirates in Madrid today, for a ransom of approximately 3.5 million. The Spanish government "did what it had to do," and so did the sixty pirates, who proved generous, sharing the ransom money with the friends and family who welcomed them home, before climbing into their luxury automobiles and waiting for the next ship to come in because it really does feel good to be a gangsta.

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Barbie is still a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, and she isn't shy about it anymore. After Aqua's song "Barbie Girl" became a hit and offended Mattel execs way back in 1997, Barbie seemed to focus on more intellectual endeavors, such as going camping and getting tattoos (no joke. Tattoo Barbie is available on Mattel's website). Now, Barbie is ready to get her dance on...to a re-recorded version of Aqua's original song. She's even got her own "Barbie Dance," based on the doll's twelve points of possible movement. Mattel says, "If you want to learn the dance, try moving like a doll, then add what Mattel calls “a signature point, twist, snap.” It's that simple, and now we can all be Barbie girls in a Barbie world. Is anyone else slightly scared? If you're not, International inspectors are, but it has nothing to do with Barbie. Iran has been saving the best for last for about seven years and allowed inspectors to "inspect" the plant under strict supervision. Although no one is certain, it is said visitors were equipped with blindfolds and extremely dense earplugs which they were encouraged to wear while in the plant, at the risk of getting lost and never finding their way out again. Inspectors came back from their visit "highly skeptical" of Iran's motivation and potential nuclear capabilities.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Along with cars, college students and sometimes seafood, the United States will soon be importing another commodity from China as well. At a panel last week in New York City, Judd Apatow talked about his love of flatulence videos and cried, "That is the future of comedy," while Andy Borowtiz decreed, always seriously, "I think comedy's going to come increasingly from China." America, we just aren't funny anymore. However, perhaps Bloomburg can help us rediscover our funny bone when they become "the world's most influential news organization." Apparently world domination is still a viable goal for corporate board members.