Thursday, November 19th, 2009

Today the Democrats shared the magic formula they've been working on for years, which would allow the government to spend exorbitant amounts of money while the balance of the federal deficit adjusts itself relatively. The proposed health care plan that initiated the flirtation with black magic is beautifully mystical: in the next decade the government will spend $848 billion to ensure most Americans receive health insurance, and the government will pay for this health care AND reduce the deficit by $130 billion by...raising taxes! Even China isn't this funny. On the other hand, Republicans are suspicious of the magical powers of the bill and are ready to get back to their roots. “It’s going to be a holy war,” said Senator Orrin G. Hatch, Republican of Utah.

Wednesday, November 18th, 2000

Twenty-Eight North Koreans, six Spaniards and their Spanish fishing boat were released by Somali pirates in Madrid today, for a ransom of approximately 3.5 million. The Spanish government "did what it had to do," and so did the sixty pirates, who proved generous, sharing the ransom money with the friends and family who welcomed them home, before climbing into their luxury automobiles and waiting for the next ship to come in because it really does feel good to be a gangsta.

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Barbie is still a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, and she isn't shy about it anymore. After Aqua's song "Barbie Girl" became a hit and offended Mattel execs way back in 1997, Barbie seemed to focus on more intellectual endeavors, such as going camping and getting tattoos (no joke. Tattoo Barbie is available on Mattel's website). Now, Barbie is ready to get her dance on...to a re-recorded version of Aqua's original song. She's even got her own "Barbie Dance," based on the doll's twelve points of possible movement. Mattel says, "If you want to learn the dance, try moving like a doll, then add what Mattel calls “a signature point, twist, snap.” It's that simple, and now we can all be Barbie girls in a Barbie world. Is anyone else slightly scared? If you're not, International inspectors are, but it has nothing to do with Barbie. Iran has been saving the best for last for about seven years and allowed inspectors to "inspect" the plant under strict supervision. Although no one is certain, it is said visitors were equipped with blindfolds and extremely dense earplugs which they were encouraged to wear while in the plant, at the risk of getting lost and never finding their way out again. Inspectors came back from their visit "highly skeptical" of Iran's motivation and potential nuclear capabilities.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Along with cars, college students and sometimes seafood, the United States will soon be importing another commodity from China as well. At a panel last week in New York City, Judd Apatow talked about his love of flatulence videos and cried, "That is the future of comedy," while Andy Borowtiz decreed, always seriously, "I think comedy's going to come increasingly from China." America, we just aren't funny anymore. However, perhaps Bloomburg can help us rediscover our funny bone when they become "the world's most influential news organization." Apparently world domination is still a viable goal for corporate board members.